AlexGraysonSquash.com

I often try to keep my writing on here free of too much emotion, as I am aware emotion can cause conflict of opinions, and most people try to avoid conflict. It’s fair enough, that people try to avoid it. Sometimes it means that you see or hear something that puts you out of your comfort zone. If you’re an open person it can make you question what you believe, and to question yourself too much can be tiring, as well as unhealthy. But on occasion, the emotion that causes conflict, which causes question, is needed. 

Some of you may be aware now that I have to spend a bit of time away from the court, due to a necessary operation on my right knee which will go ahead in around 2 months (date yet to be decided). A lot of questions are posed about what I will do while I’m out for so long. It could be a year before I’m back on court playing squash at a good level. So, of course, something has to be found to occupy the empty space which is left whilst I am out of action. The reason I started this post the way I did is because all these questions, asked by others, but also by myself, have raised further questions, emotions, and conflicts. The main question that arises in my mind when all else is said and done is this; why, facing a long period away from the sport and losing a great deal of what I have worked for in the past 3 years, would I want to come back onto the tour and start all over again?

I’m sure every athlete that has had a serious injury has had this question in their mind at some time along the path to recovery. Whether they chose to face the question or not is beyond my knowledge, and it would be easier to pretend the doubt wasn’t there. But, because I’ve learnt never to hide from my thoughts, I decided to confront this one, and find a good enough reason as to why I would want to put all that hard work in to start my career again.

The first thing that was clear to me, as I step back from squash, was that all the material things that come with the job as a squash player don’t matter. Compared to other sports, it’s apparent to most people that squash cannot provide as much in terms of material wealth. However, it still does have an element of material which is there to chase. Since I’ve stopped being able to acquire any of this.. prize money, sponsorship prospects, scholarships, representation.. I get a distinct feeling that none of it really mattered when it came down to performing well and finding happiness. Sure, it is an integral part while you try to survive on tour in order to find what really matters to you, but ultimately, I don’t believe it is the reason we succeed. Maybe I should only speak for myself, so I’ll make it clear that this is only my perspective.

Since I’ve had a lot more time on my hands, my options have opened up, and I could make choices now which would mean I could spend a lot more time living a more conventional life in the near future. The one thing that keeps me on the path of wanting to become a professional squash player is that the sport offers a means to self actualization that I believe nothing else comes close to. The things that make you a better person can all be found on the squash court. The feeling, not of winning, but achieving something you’ve set out to do, can bring on a lot of emotions: Happiness, satisfaction, peace, and many more. All of these make life worth living. Sure, you can procure these emotions through other means, but to obtain these individually and then share them with others afterwards seems like much more of a success to me than having had a helping hand. Don’t get me wrong, off the court there are a lot of helping hands, but eventually it’s up to you whether all this counts toward anything. On the squash court, you are alone. You fight your own battle. Sometimes that battle is against yourself and your own limiting beliefs, and when you succeed through all of this, you push on into new territory as a person. To me, squash is the means to becoming a more complete person. A person who has experienced so many emotions, but still arrives victorious. It provides the means, but not necessarily the outcome. In squash, you alone, are the only one who can strive for the best outcome, and at the end of it all, I’m sure I’ll know if I have attained that or not. I’m sure so many paths can offer the same satisfaction as I have described. But I believe that squash offers the clearest path to me to be able to achieve these things which I perceive as being of great importance

After all these thoughts streamed through my head, a conclusion was found. I must give the tour another try. So many times I hear people say, “If only I had kept going, I’m sure I would’ve been doing well.” The harsh truth is, they didn’t, and they are not, at least not in that which they wish to be doing. I feel for these people, and sometimes I see weakness in regret. The way I see it is that I can respect these people, and myself, by being true to my dream. And right now, my dream is to achieve the best I can in the sport of squash.

I have a chance soon to come back a new man, make a fresh start. I can take the lessons out of all the mistakes I have made, (yes there have been a few), and make this an experience to remember. I have new-found respect for the squash court and the way in which it can take away our worries. This has only been obtained by not being able to fully use it. It is evident that for a squash player, the squash court is our dojo. To be successful on the court, everything else but squash must be irrelevant. In order to succeed, you first need to leave behind your worries and troubles.. that in itself seems healing. Dojo literally means “place of the way”, and it is the squash dojo where I wish to find my way. I know it’s a cornball thing, but when you find something you feel this deeply for, you have to stick with it, no matter what others think. I hope all of you can have the clarity I’ve been lucky enough to have since sustaining my injury.

My mind has been occupied a great deal by what I have just written about, and I apologise if I have come across as vacant in our encounters in the process of dealing with this situation; It is not my intent to be rude. I appreciate the support many of you have given me, and continue to give me in my rehabilitation.

It’s time to go kill my body in the gym!

I’ll catch ya round.